Read This If You Wanna Have Nightmares!!!!!!!?
THE HORROR AT WILLINGTON
It was a nice house. The house which would come to be the key which would lock me in a permanent dungeon of horror forever. In 1997 I came to
Willington,Iowa. A small town into which little big buisiness or large shopping centers had come. I had moved here because of the quiet and calm of a small
town.
The house was an old Colonial era house of modest but large size. It was on a sprawling piece of land with many caves, creeks, cliffs, pools, and other
geological oddities I felt would be quite enjoyed by my daughter and son. The locals were never incredibly friendly to us urban folks. But that was not a big
problem because we would only come to town for groceries and other things of the sort. We had 250 acres to explore. Quite enough to occupy our free time. I
was an author. I had gained custody of the children from Martha and was very happy to have my children back with me.
In the first few months we had grown to love the place and we all felt a certain emotional bond with its charm. We all slept well in our beds confident of a
new start in Willington. The first few months were normal. We all felt adventurous and we would alll go explore the woods and caves and picnic on the heavily forested hills.
It started in 1998 two and a half months after our settlement there. My 10 year old daughter complained of pains in the
chest. I took her to the doctor and he saw nothing physically wrong. She took some aspirin and that was all. The next day both my children were complaining
of the same pains. My son being one year older than her. Could maybe the doctor said be a growth spert. I thought it might be gas. But after about a week the pains had stopped in both of them.
The next few weeks were normal except for my son was not going out to explore in the woods anymore. I asked if he would go with me but he simply said "But
you cant fight it." In a childish way. I went into the woods to show him there was nothing wrong. But he just said he didnt want to play in the woods anymore. Never again would my boy or girl go into the woods.
A month or so after these incidents. I was typing at my typewriter and as normal the pitter patter of the typewriter made me dose off in my chair. I remember distinctly horrible dreams of doom and twisted inner torture which numbed feeling. I also had dreams of great outer spherical battles between great forces of godly power. White great mounds of force lunging down upon dark forboding rocky fluids twisting around the light
figures of…good I gathered. I felt confident at first behind the great white beings but soon my confidence turned into uncertainy which became terror at
the sight of constant battle between these forces. Soon where I stood was directly in between these forces constant struggling. I woke up with straining on my chest as my children descibed.
Leaning back on my chair I fell forward as my eyes met the paper which had been typed in front of me. I looked over it seeing that it was complete gibberish.
Letters put together so that when you pronounced them a horrible feeling in the throat came over you. The words and sounds when read came out as gutteral
ugly sounds which seemed to be words. I felt incredibly strange reading it. I felt as though I could almost read them. Like almost being able to read latin
from derivatives. But I came to terms with the fact I couldnt read them. I came back to myself after
wondering over the paper. I began alarmingly worried about what had typed it and why it was gibberish. I felt a great stress and instincively ran to check on
my kids. They were both downstairs doing the work I had assigned to them on the floor in front of the television. They were working and watching T.V. at the
same time. I immediatly asked if they were messing with my typewriter. They both said no reminding me they werent allowed in my study. I immediately went
throught the possibilities of how this strange yet forbodingly intriguing piece of writing had been typed. In my sleep I might have run my arm over the
keyboard, but how would that explain the spacing between words? I became very alarmed and my children asked what I had. I showed them the paper and they knew
nothing about it. I had forgotten about the great pain in my chest with all the wondering. I had no idea what to do. I seemed to subconciously make the
connection between my dreams and what had been on this paper and that the connection was…supernatural.
I decided after sitting there in the den for a while that I could bring it to a linguist at the university. I told the children we were going on a road trip and we left. Now in my enlightenment of the situation I can only imagine what would have been happening in the house while we were gone. The thought now of the house, vacant, at night, alone, fills me with terror at what could be at work in there. I knew something was wrong as I was leaving the house. I believe my children felt the same way.
We learned at the university that whatever it was it had no resemblance to anything the linguist we met ever had seen. I became very panicked at this and I could see even the children were alarmed and I had not told them the circumstances of what happened. I was dreading returning to the house I once found peaceful and calm. I began making excuses and errands we had before we could go back home. "We need to pick up some things for the car", "We need to go and get some gas for the mower", "We need more groceries", "Do you guys want to go to the toystore while we are out?"
Eventually we found ourselves inevitably walking back through the large white door to the house. Thoughts were speeding through my head the dreams, the letter on my desk, the pain in my chest, the unexplained fright me and my children were experiencing.
We had returned about eight hours after we had left at about 2 pm. I told the kids to go to bed and I would be downstairs watching T.V.. I honestly worried about my children in their bedrooms alone. In front of late night T.V., I soon fell asleep mentally and physically exhausted.
I found no rest even in sleep. My dreams were horrible nightmares worse than when I previously had them. Terrible black oozing substance turning all living things into desolate shells of their former selves. No sight of great white forces of good were to be found. Alone in darkness in the forest surrounded by appproaching horrible creatures. Lunging, creeping, using any forms of action to exert their silent malevolence. But soon they smote their malice loudly. My head panged with noise, torture of the mind. Surrounded. Doom.
I woke up in great alarm and panic. I was very worried about my boy and girl and ran as fast as I could upstairs to find them both hiding under the covers shivering and calling my name in a frightened voice. I immediatly knew something was very wrong. I uncovered the children and told them to come with me and that we were getting out of the house. I grabbed a .38 revolver under my bed,my wallet, and my car keyes and rushed out the door with my children tripping out of the door behind me.
Give opinions and tips please.
Well its not a finished story. Its a horror short story I’m writing. Give me tips I’m just 14.
What parts do you not get?
Sorry about the wierd spacing it was a messing up of my copy and pasting. Thats not how it looks on paper.
First of all, you take a potentially powerful situation and weaken it to dishwater by using passive tense all over the place. Why say I had gained custody ,.,. when you can just say I gained custody? See how stronger that sounds? Another form of passive writing is saying something like …groceries and other things of the sort. … it sounds flip, like you just brushed off your reader by skipping information … Its better to just say groceries or explain what the other things are .. It makes your writing stronger.
You have some spelling errors here and there and a word or two missing (proofread better!) but all in all it isnt a bad start. Just avoid too much information dumping – space your story out evenly and keep your reader pushing onward by not dumping a ton of information on them all at once. Do your research – a doctor would NEVER give a kid aspirin – they havent for years. Tylenol or Motrin yes – aspirin no. It’s details like that which cheat your reader and suspend reality. Research is a major part of writing.
Also Im not a big fan of big words….smote their malice? Those kind of expressions tend to antagonize readers.
Next, the chldren were calling his name in frightened voices – not one frightened voice.
No nightmares, but not bad. By the way is it a computer or an old fashioned typewriter? I really didnt get a sense of what it was for sure.
Keep writing. Pax – C.
January 29th, 2010 at 10:49 am
That’s just weird… Did you write it, or is it a personal experience? I don’t really get parts of it, and the ending doesn’t really seem done. But overall, it’s a pretty good story, not that it would give me nightmares.
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January 29th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Sounds very good, i actually read it while listening to the halloween theme haha came on my ipod, quite the coincidence…or not? mwhahah…=p I liked it
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January 29th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Is that your biography ?!??! … man you need to learn to ask questions … and also answer questions politely … or you else I’m really gonna kick your lame a$s real bad !!!
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January 29th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
It is a good idea but it’s kind of rambling. Nothing really grabs me or engages my interest except the title and opening sentence. There are a lot of unnecessary details and redundancy. Keep at it. Don’t give up.
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If you’re only 14 then it’s quite good for your age. Tweek it a little.
January 29th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
First of all, you take a potentially powerful situation and weaken it to dishwater by using passive tense all over the place. Why say I had gained custody ,.,. when you can just say I gained custody? See how stronger that sounds? Another form of passive writing is saying something like …groceries and other things of the sort. … it sounds flip, like you just brushed off your reader by skipping information … Its better to just say groceries or explain what the other things are .. It makes your writing stronger.
You have some spelling errors here and there and a word or two missing (proofread better!) but all in all it isnt a bad start. Just avoid too much information dumping – space your story out evenly and keep your reader pushing onward by not dumping a ton of information on them all at once. Do your research – a doctor would NEVER give a kid aspirin – they havent for years. Tylenol or Motrin yes – aspirin no. It’s details like that which cheat your reader and suspend reality. Research is a major part of writing.
Also Im not a big fan of big words….smote their malice? Those kind of expressions tend to antagonize readers.
Next, the chldren were calling his name in frightened voices – not one frightened voice.
No nightmares, but not bad. By the way is it a computer or an old fashioned typewriter? I really didnt get a sense of what it was for sure.
Keep writing. Pax – C.
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January 29th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
I’d check my details a little more closely and my sentence structure. but not too bad for the beginning of a story. sorry but I don’t think I’ll be getting nightmares anytime soon from it. you might also consider a writing course at your local community college.
oops. didn’t get the 14 yrs old part until after i answered. not bad for your age. keep working at it!!
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January 29th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
It gave me nightmares all right. But the not the kind that’s associated with dreams.
You need to really work at this piece if you want to make it sing. I know that you’re only 14, but having a good grasp of the English language, spelling, and sentence structuring would be a boon to your writing–and aid you well in the long run.
Paragraph spacing is terrible. There is no telling where the first paragraph ends and the second one begins. To my trained eye, everything reads like one giant run-on sentence.
If this is your first attempt at a book, I would suggest that you keep writing and rewriting it until you get it right. Really work on your skills and craft as a writer–if you want to make it as one.
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