Comments on: Read This If You Wanna Have Nightmares!!!!!!!?

By: Sky

Sky — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:10:59 +0000

It gave me nightmares all right. But the not the kind that’s associated with dreams.

You need to really work at this piece if you want to make it sing. I know that you’re only 14, but having a good grasp of the English language, spelling, and sentence structuring would be a boon to your writing–and aid you well in the long run.

Paragraph spacing is terrible. There is no telling where the first paragraph ends and the second one begins. To my trained eye, everything reads like one giant run-on sentence.

If this is your first attempt at a book, I would suggest that you keep writing and rewriting it until you get it right. Really work on your skills and craft as a writer–if you want to make it as one.
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By: CRYSTAL L21

CRYSTAL L21 — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:55:59 +0000

I’d check my details a little more closely and my sentence structure. but not too bad for the beginning of a story. sorry but I don’t think I’ll be getting nightmares anytime soon from it. you might also consider a writing course at your local community college.
oops. didn’t get the 14 yrs old part until after i answered. not bad for your age. keep working at it!!
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By: Persiphone_Hellecat

Persiphone_Hellecat — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:35:59 +0000

First of all, you take a potentially powerful situation and weaken it to dishwater by using passive tense all over the place. Why say I had gained custody ,.,. when you can just say I gained custody? See how stronger that sounds? Another form of passive writing is saying something like …groceries and other things of the sort. … it sounds flip, like you just brushed off your reader by skipping information … Its better to just say groceries or explain what the other things are .. It makes your writing stronger.

You have some spelling errors here and there and a word or two missing (proofread better!) but all in all it isnt a bad start. Just avoid too much information dumping – space your story out evenly and keep your reader pushing onward by not dumping a ton of information on them all at once. Do your research – a doctor would NEVER give a kid aspirin – they havent for years. Tylenol or Motrin yes – aspirin no. It’s details like that which cheat your reader and suspend reality. Research is a major part of writing.

Also Im not a big fan of big words….smote their malice? Those kind of expressions tend to antagonize readers.

Next, the chldren were calling his name in frightened voices – not one frightened voice.

No nightmares, but not bad. By the way is it a computer or an old fashioned typewriter? I really didnt get a sense of what it was for sure.

Keep writing. Pax – C.
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By: lilee2k

lilee2k — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:29:59 +0000

It is a good idea but it’s kind of rambling. Nothing really grabs me or engages my interest except the title and opening sentence. There are a lot of unnecessary details and redundancy. Keep at it. Don’t give up.
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If you’re only 14 then it’s quite good for your age. Tweek it a little.

By: SD

SD — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:13:59 +0000

Is that your biography ?!??! … man you need to learn to ask questions … and also answer questions politely … or you else I’m really gonna kick your lame a$s real bad !!!
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By: Mark D

Mark D — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 16:29:59 +0000

Sounds very good, i actually read it while listening to the halloween theme haha came on my ipod, quite the coincidence…or not? mwhahah…=p I liked it
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By: Lauren

Lauren — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 15:49:59 +0000

That’s just weird… Did you write it, or is it a personal experience? I don’t really get parts of it, and the ending doesn’t really seem done. But overall, it’s a pretty good story, not that it would give me nightmares.
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